Sunday, July 22, 2012

Coming back with a heavy heart~

I have stopped blogging for sometime, with thoughts that I could manage my life, without being expressive through words and writings - but that has proven me wrong, cause for some reason when situations around you require lots of patience and very little hope, you tend to build up lots of unhappy feelings- which could be disastrous.

I am at my edge now, thinking what to do - mind just bogged down to living life out of the box - wanting to just be free, to live the life of the wild - I know, it doesnt sound like me, but thats the true feeling running in me. I require an escape from my present state, to just run away and set free - to break from the norms and practices, to try something new and exciting - with a motive to forget the current state and to be just lifeless or feeling-less for one nice long moment.

I am having too much hatred, jealousy, unsatisfied, worthless, unworthy, depressed feelings which are just making me bonkers - small issues that never affected me once, now just makes me so furious, until which knowing that it would cause a problem - i choose to just stay silent, to keep it deep in the heart, with no attempts to make it go away!

I don't know if you've ever felt like that.  That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that.  I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.  That's why I'm trying not to think.  I just want it all to stop spinning. 

Is it insecurities or fears? Or just plain frustration.... I wonder... 

Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again.  So when life gets tough you can just play pretend.  I wanna go back to when Santa did exist.  When your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed.  When Disney World was the best place to be.  When the only movies you could see were rated G.  When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn't change...and your friends were the same.  And every time you were sad or you had a bad day.  You could just run to mommy and it would all be okay.  I wanna go back to no hurt...and no pain...just laughter.  When everyone always lives happily ever after.

I don't know what I want in life.  I don't know what I want right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left.  Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it.  But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me.  And I don't know what to do.  I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

I am losing my identity in the name of life - and ending it is never an option, cause I feel God only gives us what we can handle - besides, I have just started a new chapter - the concern is more on the quality of living - if only i knew the tricks to make it all OK again...

Just a broken heart, with endless tears~