Monday, January 18, 2010

.:Story For The Soul:.

When I got home one night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, "I've got something to tell you." She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want a divorce..." I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?" I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young anymore. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.... Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, etc. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So we need to find time to be our spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

.:The Roller Coaster Ride of 2009:.

2009 was a rather thrilling, challenging year for me. Times were bad, mistakes after mistakes, challenges after challenges, it makes me speechless sometimes. It was tough to go through everything on my own, but i must say, God does shine light on us in the most peculiar way.


2009 marked the most eventful year for my family. Health played the major role this year. It was tough handling the various diagnosis, surgeries, medications, treatments, emotional breakdown, but the irony was, we were all there, we stood hand in hand, to solve it. Bravo to us all. I must say the most important person, who faced the most was Dad. Mom's diagnosis shook his world, we were all so shocked and emotional at first, but then we realised that we had to stand by each other, regardless of what was happening. Mom, i must say u were very strong. Facing every bit without fail, pulling yourself through without complains, it was so touching. Love the inner spirit in you. If it was me, i think i would have given up a long time ago. Thanks for fighting it, you not only did it for yourself, you did it for us too. Yes, it was hard, but your strength pulled your through. This experience was definitely an eye opener, i realised how important family is as a unit. My aunts, uncles, cousins, they all worked together to help us through this tough period. Million thanks to them. Sometimes, we fail to show love, maybe cause we are not used to it, or maybe just cause we don't know how to show it. I realised, as time goes by and as things around us change, we change too. I've learnt how to show love. Its not so much the act of hugging or kissing our loved ones, its just talking out, making them realise what we actually feel inside, making them see how important they are in my life. That's what love is. It was just another grey, stormy day; but it made us realise the importance of endurance and good will to withstand through all the odds. and to fight towards experiencing a better, more sunny and enjoyable day.


During this roller coaster ride, i realised what life was all about. Difficulties and hardship, disappointments and unexpected circumstances, everything was challenging. Yes, i did ask "WHY ME?", i think all of us did, but the truth is, its just another agenda, another incident, that is going to teach us a million! A good friend always reminded me, during hardship and worries, never blame God for the torture, unhappiness and emotional situation you;re facing. Cause, he is only trying to release the best out of you, he wants you to grow into a better being. I like this line:
"At the end of the day, if there was indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hope i would be judged on whether I have lived a true life, not on whether i believed in a certain book, or whether I've been baptized." Lance Armstrong
We are all the children of God. We think that life is entirely in our hands. Yes in some ways, No in others. We are but a hollow bamboo, in which God plays his flute~ Yes we have choices, but we also have a written destiny. The choices are ours entirely, we are given choices towards our goals and aspirations, but what must be remembered, is down every road, there is a destiny, pre-written for us, just waiting to see, what other choices we might make. That's why God is understanding, He lets us make mistakes, He lets us fall once in a while, but he also gives us a chance to change, an opportunity to dust off and start over. That's life. The essence towards a more fulfilling life, s simply just believing. Believe in yourself, believe in your efforts, believe in others who play a part in your life.
"We do it everyday, I realized. We are so much stronger than we imagine, and believe is one of the most valiant and long-lived human characteristics." Lance Armstrong
Yes, as you can see, i quoted this guy twice. My new companion, my new friend is this 294-pages book, that plays a lot with my emotions. My rather lonely days are now filled with this great story about life, about Lance Armstrong. I'd recommend it to all. It seems like i got my foot back into reading. It pulls me away from my sorrows, unhappiness and dissatisfaction sometimes. But my hectic schedule tends to delay my efforts in finishing the book though.
Note to all: Yes, its about a guy who suffered cancer, and yes he was said to have a flip of a coin chances of survival, and yes he survived. He gives a great review about striving hard, and never giving up. [Book title: Lance Armstrong: Its not about the bike-My journey back to life]
I've decided to take everything that happened in 2009 as a blessing in disguise. That's what my mother told me before i left back for university. She said, as life goes by, we can start deciding, what will stay and what will go. Those that come into our lives, may seem too new to be accepted and comprehended, but we must always remember to give everything a chance. Nothing is permanent in life, and changes are a must, in order for us to be strong. Similarly, those that leave us, there must be a reason behind it. What is left, will be missed, but a true human being would not brood over the loss, instead make the best of it, by cherishing every moment. We're subject to the eyes of the world. A thief is a thief, a bad person in the eyes of humans, but to God he may just be a tool, to make us realize, the importance of safety. Eveything exists for a reason, everything happens for a reason.
2009 has left, and 2010 has arrived, may it be a better year for us all.
God Bless all!
Sharu~