Thursday, December 09, 2010


You look at me, you speak to me, you stand next to me, only to tell and show me my weakness.

You talk to me, we fight, and at the end, you say its me and my words.
You look at me, and you remind me how awful i seem to your eyes.
You stand next to me, only to show how superior you are compared to me.
You walk away, leaving me broken, standing speechless about what is left.

Its my mistake maybe,
Shattered dreams, only illusions..
I guess it all seems impossible now..
Broken trusts, and broken hearts...
I built too much faith on words and love...
I'm sorry, its my mistake entirely.

If only you felt that same spark you did, when you first saw me...
If only you felt how sweet my words are, similar to the first day we spoke..
If only you felt proud and happy standing next to me, like you did yesteryears..
Only then you will not see the imperfection that is reflected upon me.

You will always be my shine when it rains,
The smile that comes during a terrible day,
Your memories will fill my lonely days
For what i had and have till today is pure...
What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose~

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Today i gained a very valuable lesson. A lesson which i will never forget till the end of time. Betrayal! I learnt that people, regardless of how close they are to you, or how attached you bond with them, have all the ability in the world, to stab u right on ur chest, without realising the impact of their actions.

Yes, i have been a victim, i never knew, that people at a point of time in my life, would just turn their backs at me, and never realise the impact of their actions. I am not worried about people knowing the truth, but i trusted you with secrets. I know lots about you too, i never went round discussing with the world did i?

I feel fooled, cause i once trusted you. There may be distance between people, people part sometimes, but do you realise that, only when you part, it shows you your character, your ability to deal with it. And clearly, you made a fool of urself. I must say, as an educated human being, you acted the cheapest. Its ok, discuss about me all you want, talk as if there is no tomorrow, someday you will taste your own medicine, and when that day comes, it will just be too late to mend what has been broken.

This reminds me of a topic my friend discussed with me. He said, indians are divided into casts, and the lowest are said to be 'paraiyar''. Some people are unaware of their status, but their actions prove it. You have successfully proven to me that you are it, and that will never change my opinion towards you! For a person who never believed in casts, and for a person who thought everyone is equal, i today must say that, you proved to me that, even this segregation of casts, its all cause of the human own doing!

I learnt hard today, that from this day forward, i need not think or wonder or ponder about you cause i feel, you never respected me enough, you never cared for me enough.. compared to the amount of care and respect i had for you.. From this day forward, watch your back gal, i wont stab you, but reality bites, so some day you will hit hard! Beware!

And to those who gave me a chance to bounce back.. actually only one person.. thanks! You will be remembered forever~

Sunday, October 24, 2010

*The Bitter Truth*

I have realised that:

~You can never love someone or something, and believe that it is going to be yours entirely!

~You can lift your spirits with words, but actions speak louder than words!

~You can climb the highest mountain, but never without falling and hurting yourself!

~Life is never fair, its UNFAIR! Many never follow rules and norms!

~People change, drastically, to the best of their interest. Nothing you do can stop them!

~The traits people lack these day : Gratitude!

~The tongue is a sharp object! Its thorns are only visible after the prick!

~The heart can never be protected from pain! One day or another, it will hurt, and the pain in unbearable and ever lasting!

~No one has the right to judge us, or comment on us. But the irony is: People judge others, to portray their strengths!

~Appreciation cannot be expected, not even a single thank you. These days, people look for help, but never appreciate it!

~Expectations is something you put upon yourself, cause you know your capability and limits. Expectations never work on others, surrounding us!

~Happiness and sadness is in your hands! Choose to be happy, Change sad moments into cheerful ones!

~People who hide their feelings are not fools. They're angels, who wish no harm and pain towards others!

~Insecurity lives within all of us. Some just show them, others hide them!

~Put your head up high, the world may turn their backs, but remember, parents had you for a reason, so strive hard!

~SMILE! Regardless of how hard life has an impact on you, a smile can lift your spirits up!

~A person who judges someone based on here say, is like a human being unable to think!

Saturday, October 02, 2010

The decided~

I have decided,
I am not going to force it,
I'm not going to hunt,
I'm not going to chase after it..

I have decided
I'm going to wait
I'm going to watch what happens
I'm going to surrender what comes my way
I'm going to make the best of it

Cause i have lost
Every little bit of energy
To fight for what this heart truly desires~

Monday, September 27, 2010

My Life... Today~

The earth rotates around the sun, and the moon rotates around the earth. Its unique, how they're never at the same spot always. I have begun to realise that life is also the same. We're never in the same spot, the exact same spot. Someway or another, things have changed, we may be in the same place, at the same time, but never in the same year, or we may never have the same feeling. Its unique, it makes us have a greater perception to life. I guess, it supports the fact that "Nothing is ever permanent in life, some way or another things change!"

Life today is pretty focused. Its very precise, very distinct, very accurate. Time is spread according to a schedule, work is distributed according to availability of instrument and its corresponding analysis, Life is centered towards achieving goals and aspirations, Leisure circulates among the ones we trust and love, Ambition stands at the top spot, and other "likes" and "desires" just mingle around, slotting them where ever possible. I like this life for some reason, its fulfilling, more me, less people, less worries abt the society, focused on me, my family, my immediate and my goals!

Some would crave for this life of mine, a rather boring scheduled life, but i always bear in mind that its the boring life that is craved, less of ups and downs, more of time for thoughts and rationalism. So many things around me have changed, the irony is people still pretend like there was nothing. Well, things are meant to be... everything is meant to be.. so we'll let it be! :)

I'm missing home terribly.. have not gone home for such a long time. Thank God for the wonderful souls that surround me during this stormy moment. Laughter, little chatters, giggles and warm company have always made me feel like home. You all know who you are! I love u all ;)

Life is blend, life is plain, but i hope it all ends well...

cheerz to all


Thursday, September 09, 2010

Yin and yang~

'A quiet morning, a rather empty afternoon, and all i can expect is that at night, something bright lights up my day'.

A common feeling that runs in Sarah's mind always. The feeling of wanting a change from this "current" life. Its so awkward, how she can be so cheerful at one point of time, and then just end up crying alone in her room. And the irony is she never knew, what actually made her tear.

Her source of happiness could be her peers, and colleagues who are always making her laugh. The funny stories, the good company, unexpected incidents(happy ones that is), little joy rides and actually enjoying the scenery of life she has just been exposed to.

And the sadness, it could be her hectic life, having no time to pamper and love herself. It could be love, broken hearts and painful love. It could be difficult career and high expectations and goals. It could even the dark clouds of loneliness or emptiness, making her world seem so blue.

It makes her wonder sometimes, is this life, is it always like this? She has never experienced this, its entirely new, but the question is, whether this is what she is expecting... is this life?

Happy moments are just too precious to be missed, the sad ones are just too painful to bear. She wondered sometimes, if she could choose... but she knew, everything needed some form of balance, and this is it, the balance of life...yin and yang!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't
supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how
it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


There comes a point in every girls life where
she realizes that she just needs to let it go,
I mean nothings ever gonna change the fact that at one
point I really did love you with everything in me...
It's just the fact that I simply cannot do this to myself and I cannot make this work
...face it baby we're in a lose-lose situation...and as far as you're
concerned i'm just on one of my "im leaving for good this time" kicks again,
but the olny difference is this time it's real...
I'm done, and don't bother because you're never gonna change,
honestly you CAN'T change & we BOTH know that...
So when you finally realized that I loved you wayyy
more than I ever could have loved anyone else, you'll see something more in me,
somthing that you're forced to live without. this was an original i made
it up about my ex...and im tired of girls copy n pasting it on aim.


Humans will kill each other...
And when the last one stands among the corpses
of his brothers....
It is then that he will beg for death.
Humans will curse their friends...
Till he has no more...
And in the end he'll realize...
He's all alone.
Humanity will kill for riches....
And then kill one another.
By the time man realizes he cannot eat money....
They will begin to eat each other.
Have not pity.
They are but animals.
Killing the planet.
And destroying their souls.


The word love...
is so powerfull that once a guy says it
they have total access to a girls heart...
but no matter how many times a girl says it
she cant stop them from leaving with it...

Friday, September 03, 2010

-Need to update!-

Current favs! Impossible and love the way you lie!

I know i owe updates! I will soon..

On a roller coaster ride!

Lots to tell, so little time..

soon soon... it will be here soon ;)


Shontelle: Impossible Lyrics

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible!
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did..

Love the way your lie~

Eminem ft. Rihanna
Love The Way You Lie lyrics

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Eminem - Verse 1]
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffin' pain
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she f**kin' hates me
And I love it, "wait, where you goin'?"
"I'm leavin' you," "no you ain't come back"
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength


[Eminem - Verse 2]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting f**kin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the rage that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane


[Eminem - Verse 3]
Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to f**kin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Stages in Friendship~

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with the dork of the class.

Forever Friends

In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about.

In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.

In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who
gave you rides in their new car,
convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded,
consoled you when you broke up with your significant other
and found you a date to the prom.

In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who
helped you pick out a college,
assured you that you would get into that college,
helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who
Helped you clean up from that party.
Helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents.
Assured you that now that your significant other were back together, you could make it through anything.
Helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind.
And finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories and reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years.
But most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who
Gives you the better of the two choices.
Holds your hand when you're scared.
Helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you.
Thinks of you at times when you are not there.
Reminds you of what you have forgotten.
Helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer.
Stays with you so that you have confidence.
Goes out of their way to make time for you.
Helps you clear up your mistakes.
Helps you deal with pressure from others.
Smiles for you when they are sad.
Helps you become a better person.
However most importantly loves you!

Monday, June 21, 2010


Its the fear we have that haunts us everyday of our lives. Its the scary feeling deep inside you that keeps u alert, telling u to always keep an eye on everything. Its that fear that pulls you back from moving forward, walking towards your desires. Its all fear!

I fear moving forward. Knowing that nothing is clear in the future, nothing is visible enough to be expected, actually kills me. Waking up everyday not knowing what to do, or where to start is really very scary. I want to know what i am supposed to do, or where i'm supposed to start. I want to know what i'm going to face, what lies before me and what i must achieve. I want to know, but sadly i cant, cause everything is up to me, i have to draw on the canvas on my own, i have to paint my own 'pretty picture'. And that scares me, down to my bones.

I want to love, and i want to be loved. I want to feel every little care and experience every little sweet moments of life. I wanna know how blissful feels like, and i want to know how great it is to love. I want to be wanted, they way i want everyone around me, i want to be cherished, as much as i cherish everyone around me, and i want to be respected they way i respect all those around me. Just same, nothing more, merely just the same. But that fears me too, i fear moving up to someone, just kills me knowing what is truly going through their minds. Yes, i care a damn, but i wanna care, cause i actually used to care. I feel like i've lost myself, or maybe i'm just restraining myself, or maybe i am just so feeling-less now!

I just dont know... all i know is that i fear.. fear everything that stands right in front of me, and everything that is yet to come to me, everything the future holds..

i am scared, but i have every bit of guts to face it all..

the last thing you should have in mind, is that i'm a coward!

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

When things can't be changed...

Today marks a very important day in my life. It marked the end of a 3 year struggle and a start towards something more challenging and exciting. Also nerve-wrecking for some reason. But the most important thing of all is that it is a day to be shared with loved ones. My struggle was something really subjective, would never mean the same to anyone, neither will anyone have any idea how much effort, or how much was gained out of it. It was entirely up to me to define it. But i think i myself wont be able to write out a perfect definition to this 3 years that I've faced.

Today was a day filled with mixed emotions. I was given a fair share of every emotion at one go: happiness, sadness, frustration, regrets, heart-broken...

It was meant to be a day to be shared with everyone who has been with me through life, or maybe through this 3 years, but sadly, i shared it finally only with 2 people who mean the world to me: mum and dad. I miss those times, especially during my STPM results day, friends rushing, wanting to know how u did, even without perfect scores, u cherish every little bit of it, and u hear congratulations, the first word that comes out from every friend u have in ur circle. Its wonderful, with the minimum amount of jealousy and hatred, its honest and very innocent of us all.

But things have changed. In a mere 3 years i have realised that the way to the top is lonely. You can see many people with various backgrounds acting very differently to a particular situation. My dad always reminded me: In order to climb a mountain, it will take a lot of pain, a lot of courage, a lot of emotional restrain. Its important to keep your goal right in front of u, and never to break down due to external disturbance.

The man who climbed mount everest. So many injured, so many just fell off, many just died on the spot... but yet he continued, yes it may seem selfish as proabably he didn't stop to help, but its only due to that little struggle he managed to climb up to the top. Honestly, its not about being selfish. Its about having a goal. Yes, he climbed and he saw many failing through, but u must appreciate his effort, its like fighting through the odds, fighting through something that was virtually impossible.

The world is no longer a peaceful land. Everyone thinks of him/herself, and there is no one who is genuinely thinking about you, except for your beloved parents. For some reason, they may not be the type to show u love, but they have all the hope and dream and courage to fight through everything just to make sure you get and achieve the best.

Good is no longer appreciated. A friend in need is no longer a friend in deed. And Life is no longer as beautiful as it seems. Its not degrading, its just me being totally honest and totally genuine about the current situation. Yes, it is the fight of the century, and only the fittest wins. Though love is more valuable than money, money talks these days and some say money can even buy love. So moral of the story: Nothing is gained entirely, and every gain never stays for eternity. In order to gain you must be ready to loose, and in order to loose, you must be prepared for the worst circumstances. Its not being pessimistic, its just about watching your back. Once stabbed, it may heal, but consecutive stabbing may cause life, and life is ours entirely and not for some fool to come and take it from us.

No i am not pissed, i am frustrated cause we are living in a world where nothing is every appreciated, and everything is taken for granted.

Wake up people, i think its a time for change!

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Quoted by a great guy : Anonymous :P

This world is filled with hate

Hate against life
Hate against your friends
Hate against your pet
Hate against the rain
Hate against a busdriver
Hate against your teacher
Hate against your parents
Hate against your brothers and sisters
Hate against a difficult game
Hate against your job
Hate against the way you live
Hate against your body
Hate against a withering flower
Hate against a not-working car
Hate against someone hurting you
Hate against a child that doesn't obey
Hate against the cloudy sky
Hate against God
Hate against the death

So much hate in everyone of us
We're filled with it

But only a little dropp of love
In this hate filled world
Could overcome every bit of hate~

Hate comes and goes in a split second,

But love, it lasts for eternity!

Choose to love ;)

Friday, May 14, 2010

when things end in a split second...

I just finished packing all my final year project materials. Its a must that we submit every little raw material collected to the lab or to our supervisor, before we get his final signature to prove entirely, that the final year project is done. So the official end date is tomorrow. And with that, i am considered a graduate. As funny as that sounds, or as peculiar as i make it sound, i can't quite believe it that 3 years of hard work is finally over. This isn't so much a sigh of relieve, but more of a start to a more uncertain life, a more unplanned condition, just standing at the junction, not knowing what to do or where to start the "REAL" life!

But as i think about whats there, what is being shown right in front of my eyes, i realised that there is so much that i should think about then wondering about the future. Its best to surrender it to fate, let it show its way and some day or another, it will take us to: our destination, the place we're meant to be, the choices we're meant to make and the life we're meant to live. The irony about the human mind is that, in just a moment of time, in just a blink of an eye, we are already traveling through the thoughts, traveling through our past and present, trying to predict what the future will hold.

Looking at the past, 3 years have thought me so much, leaving me with a more patient, more independent outlook of how life should be. We stand only on our two feet, we hold ourselves up on our own and we fight through our own battles, whether we like it or not. As much as we're alone, the part where we learn and gain a knowledge or two, if from those surrounding us. I have always been the type to love my past. Regardless of how bitter and how painful the experience may have been, you'd be surprised to see how i always portray it with a smile on my face. I sometimes wished things would have been how it was, i sometimes hoped that things would get better and i'd sometimes pray for a more united, and better tomorrow.

However, nothing turned out as wanted, nothing turned out as planned. Thats life, very unpredictable. But have u realised, although what we want was never granted, what we got in return did teach us more than we expected. Its strange how a small issue of discussion, to a short conversation about the cutest guy on earth, could just make u realise what a true relationship with another being is all about. Relationships play a major role in our life. We can choose to ignore the way some people surrounding us are, and we can choose to really be affected by every little thing they do or say. I was once like that, trying to please every need of the people around me, trying to do my best to work things out so that we'd all move forward... but seriously, experience does show you great things and yes i did pay my price.

I think i was a rather easy going person. One can approach me anytime and just play and miggle with me when they needed company. And when they have their own share of fun, i may be dumped in the corner or totally forgotten, and could totally be ignored! I kinda got the hand of it, cause i knew all along, that this is life, and nothing we do can change what others do. I have always held to my principles, i only do what i think i should do, and my course of actions should not in anyway affect those surrounding me. I still hold to that today, and will hold it forever. But improvisation is important ;) if you know what i mean... :P

I wouldn't say that my ignorance or tolerance was used (well thats what some people kept telling me and drilling into my hear =.=) but i rather say that i chose to be that way, but i only wished i was less sensitive to the changes that occured. But oh well, life is short, and we meet so many people in just a blink of an eye, so all we have to do is cherish what we have, learn everything we can and keep our fingers crossed and hope, that the lesson learnt today will be helpful till the end...

But note that, regardless of how bad i may have made it sound, i have a handful of people whom i must say i love and care about, those who have made my course of living throughout this three years rather sweet and fulfilling! You know who you are, thanks a bunch ya! ;)

We are all human beings, we are not the same to everyone, and that always depends on the strength of our relationship and how motivated we are to sustain it. We are all subjected to our own opinions, our own prospects and course of actions, but at the end, every course of action will require some sort of thought. And during that course, we will realise whether our actions will affect the ones we care and love, ranging from family, friends and the society.

Besides that, i also learnt that hard work does pay off, if you put your heart and sole to the subject matter that is trying to be accomplished. With a good working brain and the endurance to face every little obstacle well, it will be possible for all of us to succeed. I told a friend once. Put urself in a position where u are surrounded by all the things u need to accomplish. Then think of the significance of you achieving all those dreams and goals. And you will be surprised to see how the flow goes, and finally you will achieve it all excellently. In my case, i think i should share. The drive that makes me work to my maximum level are my parents. Knowing that they are back home, working hard to provide me with the most condusive and efficient life, proves to me how bad they need us, their children to succeed. My mom, who calls me everyday, reminds me that, yes people have succeeded without education but very difficultly; success will come your way easily if u focus on your education and sacrifice. Sacrifice, is the one word she always tells me. I would complain, i dont have a social life. And she will say, social life is not time dependent, but your degree is. Dad, he's always inspiring. I remembered his last phone call, before viva: You have worked hard, the entire project was under your supervision. And yes the examiner may ask too many questions, but its all within your prospects. And even if u dont know, based on your presentation, he will have a clear picture in his mind, that you are capable of succeeding! Thanks mum and dad!

Its great when you have supportive people around you. I have a friend who always reminds me, that i am who i am, and if people really enjoyed and wanted my company, the last thing they would say or state during depressing and hard times, is change! No one is entitled to change the way you are, but if they truly enjoy your company and are being genuine in their relationship with you, then they will accept you the way you are, and never at anytime state any form of degrading statements.

Generally, in 3 years, i have learnt that the world is a mean place. The person who greets and smiles at you on the first day, could be the one who makes u feel really small and unsignificant on the next day. You might be surprised when i tell u this, that i am tearing as i write this statement, cause its so true, that at times i wished i never approached. I feel i have learnt to accept things they way they are, i have learnt to ignore and just act as if nothing really happened, and i know myself better now.

Some memories are sweet, some are excruciatingly painful and bitter,
But as times passes, its true time does heal a million things,
But memories and experiences never fade with time,
Whether or not we cross those similar paths again,
Everything was worth living for,
As Life is short and very eventful,
Its either your stay and experience all,
Or never choose to live at all!

Just a moment of truth, with laughters and smiles

Saturday, May 01, 2010

i am me~

So here i am, in this large library feeling so lazy. dazing around looking for something exciting to do, which i can't seem to find.. as its a library.. what will there be, except for books, and more books, and huge loads of BOOKS! ok.. i sound dramatic... but its true :'(
Then something pops up, and reminds me of this wonderful blog i have which has not been updated for decades:P ok.. just a few months. Then i realised i have another problem, yes 3 months of silence may seem so little to some, but honestly, for all that has been going on, for once i am having writers block, not cause i have nothing to say, but just cause i dunno where to start! HELP!
But the gist of it is that i have learnt too much, that i prefer just keeping it to myself.
The world is a mean place. For all you know, the person destroying every bit of ur happiness could be that charming character who smiles at you every mornings and wishes you with flowers, before u take that step to work. Everyone has a mask, hiding their true inner self, and exhibiting a rather attractive and entertaining character, for which i would have many times fell for, but not anymore!
Long were the days when good was rewarded. Nowadays, the more good you do, the more you have to watch your back! Trouble is coming ur way sunny boy! Stay alert! As the world is no longer a place with green trees, lovely chirping birds, sunny sky and blue oceans. The world is now surrounded by dark spirits, storms and hurricanes, just waiting to take every bit of life away! I know i am being dramatic again, but seriously, speaking from experience! :)
But that doesnt mean i have to change. I am who i am and i will do what i like. I think i am more me than anyone else. I am who i am from day one, and i have never changed. I think the same way, i have the same endurance, i know what i want to achieve and i am me! And i clearly see that the people around me bearly know me an inch! hahaha.. sorry i know am mean, but i felt like saying it :P
Oh well, i better get back to books! Love ya! :D

Monday, January 18, 2010

.:Story For The Soul:.

When I got home one night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, "I've got something to tell you." She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want a divorce..." I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?" I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young anymore. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.... Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, etc. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So we need to find time to be our spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

.:The Roller Coaster Ride of 2009:.

2009 was a rather thrilling, challenging year for me. Times were bad, mistakes after mistakes, challenges after challenges, it makes me speechless sometimes. It was tough to go through everything on my own, but i must say, God does shine light on us in the most peculiar way.

2009 marked the most eventful year for my family. Health played the major role this year. It was tough handling the various diagnosis, surgeries, medications, treatments, emotional breakdown, but the irony was, we were all there, we stood hand in hand, to solve it. Bravo to us all. I must say the most important person, who faced the most was Dad. Mom's diagnosis shook his world, we were all so shocked and emotional at first, but then we realised that we had to stand by each other, regardless of what was happening. Mom, i must say u were very strong. Facing every bit without fail, pulling yourself through without complains, it was so touching. Love the inner spirit in you. If it was me, i think i would have given up a long time ago. Thanks for fighting it, you not only did it for yourself, you did it for us too. Yes, it was hard, but your strength pulled your through. This experience was definitely an eye opener, i realised how important family is as a unit. My aunts, uncles, cousins, they all worked together to help us through this tough period. Million thanks to them. Sometimes, we fail to show love, maybe cause we are not used to it, or maybe just cause we don't know how to show it. I realised, as time goes by and as things around us change, we change too. I've learnt how to show love. Its not so much the act of hugging or kissing our loved ones, its just talking out, making them realise what we actually feel inside, making them see how important they are in my life. That's what love is. It was just another grey, stormy day; but it made us realise the importance of endurance and good will to withstand through all the odds. and to fight towards experiencing a better, more sunny and enjoyable day.

During this roller coaster ride, i realised what life was all about. Difficulties and hardship, disappointments and unexpected circumstances, everything was challenging. Yes, i did ask "WHY ME?", i think all of us did, but the truth is, its just another agenda, another incident, that is going to teach us a million! A good friend always reminded me, during hardship and worries, never blame God for the torture, unhappiness and emotional situation you;re facing. Cause, he is only trying to release the best out of you, he wants you to grow into a better being. I like this line:
"At the end of the day, if there was indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hope i would be judged on whether I have lived a true life, not on whether i believed in a certain book, or whether I've been baptized." Lance Armstrong
We are all the children of God. We think that life is entirely in our hands. Yes in some ways, No in others. We are but a hollow bamboo, in which God plays his flute~ Yes we have choices, but we also have a written destiny. The choices are ours entirely, we are given choices towards our goals and aspirations, but what must be remembered, is down every road, there is a destiny, pre-written for us, just waiting to see, what other choices we might make. That's why God is understanding, He lets us make mistakes, He lets us fall once in a while, but he also gives us a chance to change, an opportunity to dust off and start over. That's life. The essence towards a more fulfilling life, s simply just believing. Believe in yourself, believe in your efforts, believe in others who play a part in your life.
"We do it everyday, I realized. We are so much stronger than we imagine, and believe is one of the most valiant and long-lived human characteristics." Lance Armstrong
Yes, as you can see, i quoted this guy twice. My new companion, my new friend is this 294-pages book, that plays a lot with my emotions. My rather lonely days are now filled with this great story about life, about Lance Armstrong. I'd recommend it to all. It seems like i got my foot back into reading. It pulls me away from my sorrows, unhappiness and dissatisfaction sometimes. But my hectic schedule tends to delay my efforts in finishing the book though.
Note to all: Yes, its about a guy who suffered cancer, and yes he was said to have a flip of a coin chances of survival, and yes he survived. He gives a great review about striving hard, and never giving up. [Book title: Lance Armstrong: Its not about the bike-My journey back to life]
I've decided to take everything that happened in 2009 as a blessing in disguise. That's what my mother told me before i left back for university. She said, as life goes by, we can start deciding, what will stay and what will go. Those that come into our lives, may seem too new to be accepted and comprehended, but we must always remember to give everything a chance. Nothing is permanent in life, and changes are a must, in order for us to be strong. Similarly, those that leave us, there must be a reason behind it. What is left, will be missed, but a true human being would not brood over the loss, instead make the best of it, by cherishing every moment. We're subject to the eyes of the world. A thief is a thief, a bad person in the eyes of humans, but to God he may just be a tool, to make us realize, the importance of safety. Eveything exists for a reason, everything happens for a reason.
2009 has left, and 2010 has arrived, may it be a better year for us all.
God Bless all!