As I sit here thinking about the events that have taken place in my life recently, I only seem to shed tears, It starts of so beautiful and exciting, and then it reaches a stage where I stand numb, wishing if I had another path, another route, the path not taken. Then I jump back to reality, realizing that even if there was a “road not taken”; I can never change what has already happened. Thunder storms, sadness and disappointments then surround the issue or event. Then I realize, and tell myself, that marks the end.
It is so ironic, when something nice and beautiful, something like a brightly lighted hall with coloured fluorescent lights, or maybe the morning shine, blazing through your room window, can just change, become dark and so uninviting in just a split second, or maybe in an hour, a day, or even a few years. It’s as if you’ve planned to spend the night out in the gardens, you put your tent on, prepare a wonderful picnic, watch the stars shine bright with the moon smiling at you; and then all of a sudden, a storm hits and destroys the situation, including the person’s happiness. Its sad, disappointing and very heart breaking, but thats life no? What is life without disappointments and failures, what is life without hardship and sadness?
In a period of 6 months or so, I have learnt so many things. It involves a wide range of attributes; but very challenging ones: trust, betrayals, heart-break, discrimination and insults.
Loneliness surrounds me nowadays. It’s a very gloomy and discomforting condition. Life alone is hard, especially when its new to you, and you’ve always been surrounded by loving and caring people who constantly provide attention and support to you. Its painful, when no one cares about your whereabouts, your upcoming agendas, your struggles, your pain, why, even little things matter; like if you’ve had your meal or if you’re healing from an intense condition. I learnt it the hard way, cold shoulders and staring eyes with no words, just stares, that make you think of a thousand and one reasons, but never get an exact answer. I learnt it the hard way, but I’m surviving. Surviving through this hard period, wishing for my silver lining to appear. Call me traditional, or even childish for the matter, but this is me, I expect nothing, not gifts, money or gold; I wish for a simple “Hi. How are you?”or just an “All the best”. I’ve learnt to ignore not being acknowledged, or even smiled at, but it hurts when all I seek for is closure.
Deep inside me, it kills to know what others have in mind. Cause I think all that has happened was a misunderstanding, or a misperception of situations and incidents. From the bottom of my heart, I never meant any harm. I never failed to pray for good, to pray for happiness of the people around me, to pray for their success. I shared everything, from the slightest understanding in a particular subject to the newest discovery on the internet. Everything I did open heartedly, but it stabs me hard to not know why I am no longer associated with.
But I know, this situation brings happiness to the other end, and I am aware, a lost place will never return, and yes, I will never stop crying, but someday we’ll learn a great lesson from this, and maybe then, I wont be a victim of situation and be accused for it again~