Tuesday, April 24, 2007

if only you cared...

you know sometimes whether we realise it or not, our action, or our words for the matter, just hurts someone, so deeply. its good when you have someone who is the sacrificing type, the type who just gives in and hopes for the best. I must say i have always been that type of person. But sadly, people dont realise that deep inside me sometimes i do cry. Sadly, these people never seem to understand. I often get ignored, or snapped at, or sometimes when i'm giving a view on something, they just turn their backs at me. All i do is keep quiet. If i really can't take it, i go into my room and cry. Well i'm not ashamed to say this because, i know many people out there are also like me. It sometimes hurts most when that person is someone u care and love. i have always told myself, its important to know a person inside out, thoroughly cause if you do so, it is easier to understand that person, and by doing that u will try not too hurt that person. Sadly only a few of us do that. I have always been the type to give. i dont usually expect anything in return. Even if i do, i'll just tell myself, nobody else. I must say that i've come to point where i'm tired of this, actually i came to this point long long long time ago, but i must say i am still a "giver" and not a "taker". Sometimes, to calm myself down, i tell myself, even if the people on earth dont see it, i just hope God does. Its very depressing to be rejected, to be someone a person wants only for a reason and dumps after that. But sometimes, i thinks its just fate. being rejected, and when everyone is ashamed of me, thats when i realise, how mush "these" group of people care for me. And its sad to say that only a handful actually accepts me for who i am. I am actually very thankful, cause at least i've got some people still willing to accept me. Its sad you know, i thought we live for ourselves, but we must realise, it only works when we're staying alone on an island. As for now, life will be like this... :)

Living in a competitive world!

Whether we realise it or not, our life has always been a competitive life. We tend to compared from A to Z, from the physical appearance of a person, to the characteristics, education standards to the type of qualification one holds. Okay, sometimes its not us, its just the people around us in general. People enjoying looking and analysing a person from head to toe. Is this good? Is this a practical way of distinguishing a person, whether good or bad, or either successful or just another failure? Maybe its not us, its just our parents, friends, teachers, the society! They enjoy getting hold small details of a person, and making judgements. Okay, it is said that competition is vital especially in this modern and sophiticated era. It seems that being competitive makes the world more progresive. Okay...point taken! But what does this mean? Does it mean we should all compete? hmm.. something to ponder about.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

missing you....

It was january 1994. The day i hated most. The first day of school. I enjoyed the shopping i had before that particular day. A new bag, new shoes, new clothes, new pencil box, new pencils...and the list goes on. i packed the night before, praying for the day to pass as slow as possible. I didnt want the night to end, i didnt want to sleep. First day of school, wasnt really new to me as my pre-school friends were also going to the same school. I entered the school, saw my friends, and that was when i thought..school isn't so bad afterall. I never knew that the best part ( or maybe the worst part) was yet to come. DISTRIBUTION OF STUDENTS INTO 5 CLASSES. Man, there i stood eagerly waiting, i wanted to go into the same class as my pre-school friends, for a moment i was praying, chanting..hoping that i'll be with them. Sadly, i was sent to another class. The smile i had on my face just suddenly disappeared. I hated school once again. I entered my new class, glanced through the classroom, the teacher and all the excited students. I told myself, i dont want to come back to this class tomorrow. I entered the class, as we were forced to be seated. i sat right in the middle of the class. To my left, was a tall, fair girl with really short hair. On my right, a sweet smiling girl, with reasonably long hair(shoulder length). I looked at the both of them, one smiled, the other stared. Okay, yea i was terrified. I hated school. Just a few minutes later, as i was staring at the blackboard, The girl that was sitting to my right approached me and introduced herself. I felt better, then the girl on my left did the same. I felt much better, we went for recess together, we talked, showed all the new stuff we got for school. Those were the two human beings who coloured my life on the first day on primary school. Okay, the girl who was sitting on my left was Kaveena and on my right was Dharmahla. I am proud to say we're still friends.

Primary school was fun. I became a prefect when i was in std. 3. I was always that prefect who came exactly on time, before the bell rang. hahaha..yea everyone knows. i enjoyed those beautiful old days, never really knew what problems were. Ok..maybe the problems i faced were homework and strict teachers. When i became a prefect, i grew closer to a few people, i have to state their names, farah eleena, shireen, priya dharshini, and the list goes on...i loved those days. Std. 6 was the best huh? besides UPSR though..lol

Then it was secondary school. This time round, i wasn't at all nervous, neither was i scared cause i knew that my old school friends were going to be in this school, well at least most of them. I entered the class, and to my suprise, my close friends were all separated from me. And ok...at that moment, the nervousness and all came back..hahaha.. then i decided, its time for me to break the ice. So i approached this thin, fair girl, with shoulder length hair..she seemed so quiet..i introduced myself, i'm sharmini, from skttdi...and guess what she said..lol..this was funny. she said," yes i know. i am from skttdi too". HAHAHAHA...and ok..i'm going to be honest...i barely knew her and have never seen her. hahahah..yea..dat girl was rachel. hehehehe...we became friends...and i must say we are still close friends till today. i had other close friends too, kavitha, debbie, farah eleena was still a close friend back then. wow..those were the days alrite. life was more stressful in secondary school compared to those good old primary days. We had to be more independent and we had to meet deadlines, we had two major exams to sit for, PMR & SPM. I met many new faces back then... i remembered making a really good friend when i was in From 4... Natalie. Suprisingly, her mum and my mum were good friends! talk abt being in a small world. i loved the group of friends i had...nat, jo, carolyn, debbie, hui xian, kavitha, rach....and the list goes on.... I really miss u all so much and hope to see you all soon.

Then it was time for me to take the next step. The crucial step after SPM. There was college and stpm. I went to Sunway Univeristy College as i got a discount for the A-Levels course. I made a few friends there,,,more like classmates then friends..but i must say that i met a beautiful human being named dashini...she was a great friend back in college and we still do keep in touch. We used to look forward for breaks after classes...we'll meet at the cafeteria...and the chit chatting begins. Then i took a drastic step, i switched to STPM. Due to sudden financial problemz and sudden decisions, i decided, i'm going to face that exam, that is said to be one of the toughest exams in the world. So there i was, searching for my offer letter to do form 6, at a boys school...wait...AT A BOYS SCHOOL...omg..i was telling myself, things could never get worst than this...i knew rachel was studying there...and i knew we could hang out and stuff, but i was also aware that we're in different streams...different class, different group of classmates...man..ok..here i am...walking into the school..climbed that classic old staircase to the office...where i met this indian guy...he scared me for a moment though....lol..but he was kinda nice la..hehehehe....yea its mr.puva. he asked me to go for assembly before meeting mrs. cheng. i was like...can we wait in the canteen, and he was like..NO! wow..ok..fine..there i was walking behind my dad...terrified by the population of males in that school..hahaha...its a boys school..wat do u expect. so...there i was standing behind the form sixers who were nicely lined up...man i must tell u...everyone was staring at me like i was a ghost or sumthin..lol... so a nice prefect, which was thilaga..she asked me to stand in a line...cant remember which class it was ..but i just stood there..waiting for the next step. as soon as assembly was over, i ran back to my dad, ok fine yea i'm a daddy's girl..gotta problem wif dat? hahahah...then this group of students approached me...and i was so happy to see rachel...and i saw sumone else i knew, iylia and sara. In that same group, there was a guy and 2 girls whom i was sure i didnt know..we introduced and stuff...it was shalesh, kamini and kavitha. And they were like...come to science four...ok...for a moment i was relieved,,,i finally know some ppl i n the science stream...and i was praying and chanting all over again...hoping to be in sc.4, so i went to mrs.cheng's room...filled up sum forms and she was considering reli long...and finally the verdict...you are going to sc....THREE!! and i was like...oh NO!!! hahaha...drama wei...ok...entered the class...i sat right next to the front door...didnt bring any books...so i was bookless..hahaha...thankfully selvi, the girl who was sitting behind me was nice enough to make me relax..and share her book. ok...it was biology,... and the teacher was my class teacher..ms.lee...i was thinking of more like plant cell, animal cell thingy...and instead the teacher drew carbon chains and all...guess wat it was that chapter on carbohydrates and all...man i was lost! ok...so..after the class ended...it was maths class, the teacher was nice...she noticed me as soon as she got in and she was like...i need to photostate one more...she rushes down to the office...and photostated one extra piece of worksheet. so sweet of her...yea...it was ms.wee. maths made more sense to me than bio did..lol..ok...finally..the time i was waiting for...RECESS! LOL...so...there i stood up..packing my bags...waiting to go to the canteen..which i didnt know where it was..lol..selvi promised to show me around...but i was held by this tall, thin strict looking girl..ok...i must say i freaked out...it was kasthuri..the mpte representative of sc.3...ok..seeing her in front of me..was a lil scary la..coz she kinda charged me..lol..guess what she said "hi i'm kasthuri and u have to pay 20 bucks for sum mpte thingy"...lol...and there i was...i just stepped foot into this school and they're already asking me for money..lol..bully!! hahahah...those were the days alrite...i must say i made good friends here in st.john. kasthuri, kalaiselvi, ashweni, viwashine, selvi, yun yin, yeen mum, the whole indian society gang...rachel, and the list goes on and on... the teachers were great too...and especially mr.rajan..haha..it was fun working with him and all...i must say i gained the most experience being in this school...althought it was only for 1.5 yrs...and yea there was stpm...hahaha...i miss those days...

well, i must say thank you to all the beautiful ppl i met from primary school days up to the end of upper six...you all made a difference in my life..my life seems more meaningful now...and its all cause of u. i hope this beautiful relationship between us will last forever. cheers

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

love and relationships..

ok..honestly..what is the chemistry/biology/physics behind love and relationships? lol..it's making me laugh already. I think in these modern, sophisticated days, we fail to realise the essence of a relationship, the essence of love. Ok, ask yourself, what is love and what does it take to be in a relationship? Is it just about having a companion or is there more to it?

It seems more like a need nowadays, to have a bf/gf. Okay, we talk abt maturity, the development of the brain..etc that causes one to fall/ get attracted to the opposite sex, or maybe in these days, to individuals of the same sex. Fine. Point taken.

But what happened to understanding and respect? I've been around people who are in relationships and are in love, and i must say i've learnt a lot. Its a package. Falling in love and being in a relationship is all abt accepting that whole package, not only the love and affection, but also the flaws, the bad habits, the irritating attitudes..lol..the list goes on.

Question: How many people actually understands this?

I must make it clear, i am not judging anyone, or saying that love and relationships are bad. honestly, i cherish love and i believe in strong, and long lasting relationships. Its just that i'm confused. What is it all about? Do we understand it at all? wow...confused!

anywayz, i've attached a link to this post. its a list of quizes related to love and relationships. feel free to try them. [click on the title of this post to go to the link]

Monday, April 16, 2007

have u ever thought of me?

sometimes, whether we realise it or not, we do think of people. People in this context refers to our friends, the people who just step in and out of our lives, our enemies, relatives, family, etc. We take a moment to think of their appearance, then we move on to their characteristics, then we slowly move to beautiful memories or maybe the bad memories we had with that person. then we wrap it up by making a conclusion. The conclusion could be nice, making us smile or it could be something that we wouldnt wanna remember anytime soon. Either way its interesting, the power of the human mind, to remember from A to Z about someone. What interests me, is that we never seem to erase these tiny details of people that we meet in our lives. I wanst the most popular girl in school, but i must say i remember almost everyone in my primary school/ secondary school, and the small incidents that happen..i can remember this incident..we were playing net ball, and i remembered this gal who was so popular in school who had to step my leg in order to score...lol...so funny!! but when i look back now, i laugh...but to tell u da truth, i was damn pissed with her when she did that. hahahahha...

sometimes i wonder, why dont we let the person know we are actually thinking about them, i know i am shy about it too...but wouldnt it be nice if some one gives u a call or smses u to say that he/she was thinking abt you today. i've got calls like that before from my close friends...and i must say at that moment, u feel so good abt urself cause it feels like there is someone who actually cares so much for u. hmm...why dont we do the same? its much harder when it comes to the opposite sex...tell me abt it...automatically they'll have this thing running in their heads: i think she/he has a big crush on me...lol...so childish..we will never change ha? Take a moment to think abt this, someone calls u to say he/she thought abt u...lol...

ok enough of the crappy stories, since its my blog...its supposed to be abt me...i've been okla lately...have been bz training my new maid, have touched books lately..lol...wanna study again...scared i might be a lil too lazy when uni starts...desperately wanna learn accounts...but the books have been confusing..lol...yea..i'm doing ok la..besides a lil regreting here and there..lol...but am ok...well i kinda miss my school frenzz...... i so wanna c u all some time soon k...okies...cheers

Monday, April 02, 2007

when luck is not on our side....

when luck is not on our side, we do okay...but we will always turn back and moan "man, i wished i had more luck". Life has been like that for me lately. I'm not regreting, just moaning. Sometimes, its hard for people to understand, what we're going through and what we actually want. But i've always had that 'lil' thought in me saying: "if they try a lil harder to understand us. by all means they'll definitly know what we're all about". But then again we're definitly not living for other people, are we? But whether we like it or not, judgements passed by these people to a certain extend does affect us, whether we're aware or not. so what do we do? we cant completely ignore it for sure...so what should we do? haih, you know in this world there are 3 types of people:

1) People who care and understand

well this includes your parents, yea i know parents aren't that understanding to some people, but they actually try to understand and the best part of all...they try their best not to hurt you. so they actually really care and cause minimum damage!

2) People who care but hurt!

well this includes some people who actually care, but are always there to cause the most damage! lol...sounds so mean. but yeah its true. they care, in the sense that they actually want to know the whats and the whys but they're always there to put you right at the bottom, making you feel bad and heart broken. sometimes, they even make u guilty!!

3) People who care a damn about you.

hahahha...i love this group of people. they dont care about you, and they dont actually cause damage!! lol...you live your life and i'll live mine! ;)