Sunday, July 22, 2012

Coming back with a heavy heart~

I have stopped blogging for sometime, with thoughts that I could manage my life, without being expressive through words and writings - but that has proven me wrong, cause for some reason when situations around you require lots of patience and very little hope, you tend to build up lots of unhappy feelings- which could be disastrous.

I am at my edge now, thinking what to do - mind just bogged down to living life out of the box - wanting to just be free, to live the life of the wild - I know, it doesnt sound like me, but thats the true feeling running in me. I require an escape from my present state, to just run away and set free - to break from the norms and practices, to try something new and exciting - with a motive to forget the current state and to be just lifeless or feeling-less for one nice long moment.

I am having too much hatred, jealousy, unsatisfied, worthless, unworthy, depressed feelings which are just making me bonkers - small issues that never affected me once, now just makes me so furious, until which knowing that it would cause a problem - i choose to just stay silent, to keep it deep in the heart, with no attempts to make it go away!

I don't know if you've ever felt like that.  That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that.  I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.  That's why I'm trying not to think.  I just want it all to stop spinning. 

Is it insecurities or fears? Or just plain frustration.... I wonder... 

Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again.  So when life gets tough you can just play pretend.  I wanna go back to when Santa did exist.  When your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed.  When Disney World was the best place to be.  When the only movies you could see were rated G.  When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn't change...and your friends were the same.  And every time you were sad or you had a bad day.  You could just run to mommy and it would all be okay.  I wanna go back to no hurt...and no pain...just laughter.  When everyone always lives happily ever after.

I don't know what I want in life.  I don't know what I want right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left.  Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it.  But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me.  And I don't know what to do.  I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

I am losing my identity in the name of life - and ending it is never an option, cause I feel God only gives us what we can handle - besides, I have just started a new chapter - the concern is more on the quality of living - if only i knew the tricks to make it all OK again...

Just a broken heart, with endless tears~ 

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Imperfection~

You look at me, you speak to me, you stand next to me, only to tell and show me my weakness.

You talk to me, we fight, and at the end, you say its me and my words.
You look at me, and you remind me how awful i seem to your eyes.
You stand next to me, only to show how superior you are compared to me.
You walk away, leaving me broken, standing speechless about what is left.

Its my mistake maybe,
Shattered dreams, only illusions..
I guess it all seems impossible now..
Broken trusts, and broken hearts...
I built too much faith on words and love...
I'm sorry, its my mistake entirely.

If only you felt that same spark you did, when you first saw me...
If only you felt how sweet my words are, similar to the first day we spoke..
If only you felt proud and happy standing next to me, like you did yesteryears..
Only then you will not see the imperfection that is reflected upon me.

You will always be my shine when it rains,
The smile that comes during a terrible day,
Your memories will fill my lonely days
For what i had and have till today is pure...
What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose~

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Betrayal~

Today i gained a very valuable lesson. A lesson which i will never forget till the end of time. Betrayal! I learnt that people, regardless of how close they are to you, or how attached you bond with them, have all the ability in the world, to stab u right on ur chest, without realising the impact of their actions.

Yes, i have been a victim, i never knew, that people at a point of time in my life, would just turn their backs at me, and never realise the impact of their actions. I am not worried about people knowing the truth, but i trusted you with secrets. I know lots about you too, i never went round discussing with the world did i?

I feel fooled, cause i once trusted you. There may be distance between people, people part sometimes, but do you realise that, only when you part, it shows you your character, your ability to deal with it. And clearly, you made a fool of urself. I must say, as an educated human being, you acted the cheapest. Its ok, discuss about me all you want, talk as if there is no tomorrow, someday you will taste your own medicine, and when that day comes, it will just be too late to mend what has been broken.

This reminds me of a topic my friend discussed with me. He said, indians are divided into casts, and the lowest are said to be 'paraiyar''. Some people are unaware of their status, but their actions prove it. You have successfully proven to me that you are it, and that will never change my opinion towards you! For a person who never believed in casts, and for a person who thought everyone is equal, i today must say that, you proved to me that, even this segregation of casts, its all cause of the human own doing!

I learnt hard today, that from this day forward, i need not think or wonder or ponder about you cause i feel, you never respected me enough, you never cared for me enough.. compared to the amount of care and respect i had for you.. From this day forward, watch your back gal, i wont stab you, but reality bites, so some day you will hit hard! Beware!

And to those who gave me a chance to bounce back.. actually only one person.. thanks! You will be remembered forever~

Sunday, October 24, 2010

*The Bitter Truth*

I have realised that:

~You can never love someone or something, and believe that it is going to be yours entirely!

~You can lift your spirits with words, but actions speak louder than words!

~You can climb the highest mountain, but never without falling and hurting yourself!

~Life is never fair, its UNFAIR! Many never follow rules and norms!

~People change, drastically, to the best of their interest. Nothing you do can stop them!

~The traits people lack these day : Gratitude!

~The tongue is a sharp object! Its thorns are only visible after the prick!

~The heart can never be protected from pain! One day or another, it will hurt, and the pain in unbearable and ever lasting!

~No one has the right to judge us, or comment on us. But the irony is: People judge others, to portray their strengths!

~Appreciation cannot be expected, not even a single thank you. These days, people look for help, but never appreciate it!

~Expectations is something you put upon yourself, cause you know your capability and limits. Expectations never work on others, surrounding us!

~Happiness and sadness is in your hands! Choose to be happy, Change sad moments into cheerful ones!

~People who hide their feelings are not fools. They're angels, who wish no harm and pain towards others!

~Insecurity lives within all of us. Some just show them, others hide them!

~Put your head up high, the world may turn their backs, but remember, parents had you for a reason, so strive hard!

~SMILE! Regardless of how hard life has an impact on you, a smile can lift your spirits up!

~A person who judges someone based on here say, is like a human being unable to think!

Saturday, October 02, 2010

The decided~

I have decided,
I am not going to force it,
I'm not going to hunt,
I'm not going to chase after it..

I have decided
I'm going to wait
I'm going to watch what happens
I'm going to surrender what comes my way
I'm going to make the best of it

Cause i have lost
Every little bit of energy
To fight for what this heart truly desires~